Documentary

[therealpm]

I will be appearing in a documentary by the BBC about the narrow educational background of our current government. It will be presented by Andrew Neil.

No capering involved, Alastair. Watch and learn.

Comments

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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Lest you forget, Andrew Neil is architect of mind-bending visual twattery collage known as "This Week".

All strapped in for his psychedelic voyage around your good self. Musical accompaniments least of your worries, chum.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

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Some of us are more adept with the media than others, Ali.

Hush you, I look fabulous.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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Utterly. But with the BBC's own Timothy Leary on board, it ain't over til the fat lady breastfeeds a three-headed jackal with your face superimposed on it.

Where the arsemothering hell are you anyway?

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

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Bercow's. You're not invited. We're trying to keep the conversation civilised.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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Wouldn't dream of it. Too busy scratching myself and eating gravy granules out of a trough woven from my own pubes.

You just get off on being the tallest person in any given room...

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

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You've always been a class act.

Shut up Campbell.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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*spluttersnort*

Why, herr Baron, what a socialist firebrand you are.

No, of course not, you're just "petite", aren't you? Shortarse.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

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Turning phone off. Have better things to do than bicker with you.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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Aw, play fair, Peter Rabbit...

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

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Don't you have a family to attend to?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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Well, yeah, but they're not nearly as high maintenance.

Give 'em food, shelter and the occasional pat on the head and they'll practically avoid conflict in favour of appreciating you and stuff, the contumacious bastards.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

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I don't believe I've ever asked for, nor required, your assistance for anything.

My heart bleeds, your life contains such hardship and sorrow.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

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And I don't believe I "asked" you to effectively rape my cerebral cortex, but the initiative was just so darn touching, I couldn't stand to be a stranger. Thanks, buddy.

Like you wouldn't believe.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Oi, you. You've not still got a face on about last night, have you?

I - c'mon, Peter, I was just winding you up, for god's sake.

Forgiven? Fancy letting me in?

Bloody fuck, still at Bercow's?

Look, if you're there, stop pissing around and open up.

You're shouting through a letterbox, Alastair, you fucking mongoloid.

...

Right, I'm off to John's. Would be nice if you saved me the journey, provided you are in fact here and not there?

Then again, you're always there. Should really start making "there" my first port of call.

I -

I'll see you, yeah?

getawayfromthefuckingletterboxyouidiotfuck

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

*puts door chain on*
*opens door slightly*

What do you want?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Thank god.

Life within?

Are you - look, I don't expect us to - fucking... whyisthissodifficult "kiss and make up" or anything, I just wanted to make sure you were all right. Call me damage control.

But, see, you're fine and I'm leaving. Really, it's... take your time, eh? I'm probably going to cool off for a bit myself. I'll talk to you later.

sorry

oh for fuck's -

Just go. Now, Campbell.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

As much as can be expected at this hour.

...

I'm going to be busy this evening, and no, not 'bumming the Speaker' as you so eloquently put it.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Did I actually say "bumming"?

...

Jesus.

I'll come back, it's - I need to sort my head out, okay? Just... stay here, give me an hour.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Fine.

*Shuts door*

*Goes upstairs for a cup of tea and a read of the FT*

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

There, what did I tell you. Back in a hot minute.

*clears throat nervously*

I -

How are you keeping?

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Fine. Get in off the street, this is a reputable area.

*sniffs*

Whose wards have you been stumbling into?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

There's that can-do spirit.

What are you - Peter, you can just ask. It's "Obsession" by Calvin Klein.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Very funny, but unless Calvin Klein have started using mandrake extract as a stabiliser, then you shouldn't be glowing like a thaumic chernobyl. So, whose wards have you been stumbling into?

I'll make some tea whilst you attempt to think up a suitably convincing lie, shall I?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

I had wondered about the sudden, inexplicable fluourescence...

An admirable suggestion, under the circumstances. You know how I like it.

Any particular reason why a man shouldn't stumble into wards on his jaunts about town? Speaking figuratively.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

You're lit up like a bloody christmas tree, but I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't... dabbled to be able to see it.

Black, with no sugar. I will not be party to your plans to adulterate a perfectly good drink.

Unless you've been visiting some very specific side streets and you haven't, because I've seen you walk right past them without noticing they exist, then there aren't any wards 'about town'. You've either been visiting Bone or Bercow. You've yet to ever wear a bicycle helmet, so the former is unlikely; therefore, you've been chatting with the Speaker. Anything I should know about?