Documentary

[therealpm]

I will be appearing in a documentary by the BBC about the narrow educational background of our current government. It will be presented by Andrew Neil.

No capering involved, Alastair. Watch and learn.

Comments

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

There's that can-do spirit.

What are you - Peter, you can just ask. It's "Obsession" by Calvin Klein.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Very funny, but unless Calvin Klein have started using mandrake extract as a stabiliser, then you shouldn't be glowing like a thaumic chernobyl. So, whose wards have you been stumbling into?

I'll make some tea whilst you attempt to think up a suitably convincing lie, shall I?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

I had wondered about the sudden, inexplicable fluourescence...

An admirable suggestion, under the circumstances. You know how I like it.

Any particular reason why a man shouldn't stumble into wards on his jaunts about town? Speaking figuratively.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

You're lit up like a bloody christmas tree, but I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't... dabbled to be able to see it.

Black, with no sugar. I will not be party to your plans to adulterate a perfectly good drink.

Unless you've been visiting some very specific side streets and you haven't, because I've seen you walk right past them without noticing they exist, then there aren't any wards 'about town'. You've either been visiting Bone or Bercow. You've yet to ever wear a bicycle helmet, so the former is unlikely; therefore, you've been chatting with the Speaker. Anything I should know about?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Fine, fine, none of "the abhorrence that is milk". But if we're going to do it your way, double-bag the fucker and make it thick enough to walk on. I want to be caffeinated up to the eyeballs.

Well, yes, now that you mention it, John and I might have had an informal tête à tête. Nothing unusual in that, is there? Believe it or not, I can do civil.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

...I do have a coffee machine, you know. Alternatively you can neck a couple of pro-plus with some of that vile, carbonated, orange gunk you enjoy so much.

Of course you can do civil, I'm more curious as to why you would bother and with Bercow of all people.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

LUCOZADE ME, WOMAN

Coffee would be great, if you're offering.

We're... we're friends. Acquaintances. Y'know, "pals". Why the sudden interest? We weren't talking about you, if that's what you're wondering. Bloody norah, you're almost as self-involved as I tell people you are.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

*Prods a few buttons on what seems to be a minature version of The Machine. Coffee appears.*

There.

Prior to today, you've met John precisely once, during which time you bellowed obscenities and coerced him into making you tea. I agree he's friendly, for a Tory, but I suspect you may be overstating the amiability of your relationship.

'Bloody norah, you're almost as self-involved as I tell people you are.'
I suppose that's the closest I'll get to an admission that you lie like a rug.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

*accepts coffee*

Cheers. That's nifty by the way, very Star Trek. One of yours, I assume?

Fuck me, the words "dog" and "bone" spring to mind... I - *sigh* I needed a confidential chat with an impartial party. Now will you drop it?

Practically a compulsion. Tony still prays for me.

*sips*

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

No, no, Heterodyne industries simply make very elaborate coffee makers.

For now. I'll raid your memories later.

How nice of him, I never knew he cared.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Hmm, you'll have to hook me up with one of those - coffee's grand. Should I be suspicious?

Peter, I know better than to be satisfied with an answer that makes my frontal lobes tingle. Still, I suppose it'll have to do.

Oh yes, he's very into it. There was a shrine involved at some stage but Cherie put it in the recycling. Interfering slag.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

If I said 'no', would you believe me?

Please keep your tingliness to yourself.

Best place for it, any larger and your ego would require a second hotel room at conferences.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

I'd be too well brought-up not to, unfortunately.

Tony invested a lot of time, energy and macaroni art in that shrine.

There is a principle at stake.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

...

...

...sorry, I'm just trying to process the two outrageous lies in that statement. Firstly, that you were well brought up instead of dragged in from Ilkley Moor, baht'at and bloody-minded. Secondly, that you have any principles to stake at all. Give me a few moments...

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

*snigger*

Was was that? If that was meant to be a Yorkshire accent, it was fucking hopeless.

...

Do it again.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Ah ahm naaht puut arn t'urt fur yeh amuusement.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Strmpfftpftmph.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Too much? I can't say I ever paid a great deal of attention to what Hague was saying, and even less to how he said it.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

*wipes away tears*

N-no, it was brilliant. Like reggae being played backwards through a pork pie.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

*quizzical look*

*drinks tea to hide aforementioned expression*

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

I'm serious, have you ever considered voiceover work?

*produces hip flask*

*surreptitiously adds milk to coffee*

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Reading my book was quite enough.

Stop that! You're not the milkybar kid.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

The difference being that I'd pay good money to hear it read in whatever the hell your vocal chords just invented.

But I am strong and tough! And frequently silence crowded saloons with my presence!

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

How dare you mock my Hartlepool northern roots.

Mmmhmm- I suspect as everyone therin is busy wondering whether there's been a sudden a gas leak. You can be rather... pungent.