Documentary

[therealpm]

I will be appearing in a documentary by the BBC about the narrow educational background of our current government. It will be presented by Andrew Neil.

No capering involved, Alastair. Watch and learn.

Comments

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Oi, you. You've not still got a face on about last night, have you?

I - c'mon, Peter, I was just winding you up, for god's sake.

Forgiven? Fancy letting me in?

Bloody fuck, still at Bercow's?

Look, if you're there, stop pissing around and open up.

You're shouting through a letterbox, Alastair, you fucking mongoloid.

...

Right, I'm off to John's. Would be nice if you saved me the journey, provided you are in fact here and not there?

Then again, you're always there. Should really start making "there" my first port of call.

I -

I'll see you, yeah?

getawayfromthefuckingletterboxyouidiotfuck

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

*puts door chain on*
*opens door slightly*

What do you want?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Thank god.

Life within?

Are you - look, I don't expect us to - fucking... whyisthissodifficult "kiss and make up" or anything, I just wanted to make sure you were all right. Call me damage control.

But, see, you're fine and I'm leaving. Really, it's... take your time, eh? I'm probably going to cool off for a bit myself. I'll talk to you later.

sorry

oh for fuck's -

Just go. Now, Campbell.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

As much as can be expected at this hour.

...

I'm going to be busy this evening, and no, not 'bumming the Speaker' as you so eloquently put it.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Did I actually say "bumming"?

...

Jesus.

I'll come back, it's - I need to sort my head out, okay? Just... stay here, give me an hour.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Fine.

*Shuts door*

*Goes upstairs for a cup of tea and a read of the FT*

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

There, what did I tell you. Back in a hot minute.

*clears throat nervously*

I -

How are you keeping?

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Fine. Get in off the street, this is a reputable area.

*sniffs*

Whose wards have you been stumbling into?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

There's that can-do spirit.

What are you - Peter, you can just ask. It's "Obsession" by Calvin Klein.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Very funny, but unless Calvin Klein have started using mandrake extract as a stabiliser, then you shouldn't be glowing like a thaumic chernobyl. So, whose wards have you been stumbling into?

I'll make some tea whilst you attempt to think up a suitably convincing lie, shall I?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

I had wondered about the sudden, inexplicable fluourescence...

An admirable suggestion, under the circumstances. You know how I like it.

Any particular reason why a man shouldn't stumble into wards on his jaunts about town? Speaking figuratively.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

You're lit up like a bloody christmas tree, but I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't... dabbled to be able to see it.

Black, with no sugar. I will not be party to your plans to adulterate a perfectly good drink.

Unless you've been visiting some very specific side streets and you haven't, because I've seen you walk right past them without noticing they exist, then there aren't any wards 'about town'. You've either been visiting Bone or Bercow. You've yet to ever wear a bicycle helmet, so the former is unlikely; therefore, you've been chatting with the Speaker. Anything I should know about?

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Fine, fine, none of "the abhorrence that is milk". But if we're going to do it your way, double-bag the fucker and make it thick enough to walk on. I want to be caffeinated up to the eyeballs.

Well, yes, now that you mention it, John and I might have had an informal tête à tête. Nothing unusual in that, is there? Believe it or not, I can do civil.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

...I do have a coffee machine, you know. Alternatively you can neck a couple of pro-plus with some of that vile, carbonated, orange gunk you enjoy so much.

Of course you can do civil, I'm more curious as to why you would bother and with Bercow of all people.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

LUCOZADE ME, WOMAN

Coffee would be great, if you're offering.

We're... we're friends. Acquaintances. Y'know, "pals". Why the sudden interest? We weren't talking about you, if that's what you're wondering. Bloody norah, you're almost as self-involved as I tell people you are.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

*Prods a few buttons on what seems to be a minature version of The Machine. Coffee appears.*

There.

Prior to today, you've met John precisely once, during which time you bellowed obscenities and coerced him into making you tea. I agree he's friendly, for a Tory, but I suspect you may be overstating the amiability of your relationship.

'Bloody norah, you're almost as self-involved as I tell people you are.'
I suppose that's the closest I'll get to an admission that you lie like a rug.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

*accepts coffee*

Cheers. That's nifty by the way, very Star Trek. One of yours, I assume?

Fuck me, the words "dog" and "bone" spring to mind... I - *sigh* I needed a confidential chat with an impartial party. Now will you drop it?

Practically a compulsion. Tony still prays for me.

*sips*

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

No, no, Heterodyne industries simply make very elaborate coffee makers.

For now. I'll raid your memories later.

How nice of him, I never knew he cared.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Hmm, you'll have to hook me up with one of those - coffee's grand. Should I be suspicious?

Peter, I know better than to be satisfied with an answer that makes my frontal lobes tingle. Still, I suppose it'll have to do.

Oh yes, he's very into it. There was a shrine involved at some stage but Cherie put it in the recycling. Interfering slag.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

If I said 'no', would you believe me?

Please keep your tingliness to yourself.

Best place for it, any larger and your ego would require a second hotel room at conferences.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

I'd be too well brought-up not to, unfortunately.

Tony invested a lot of time, energy and macaroni art in that shrine.

There is a principle at stake.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

...

...

...sorry, I'm just trying to process the two outrageous lies in that statement. Firstly, that you were well brought up instead of dragged in from Ilkley Moor, baht'at and bloody-minded. Secondly, that you have any principles to stake at all. Give me a few moments...

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

*snigger*

Was was that? If that was meant to be a Yorkshire accent, it was fucking hopeless.

...

Do it again.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Ah ahm naaht puut arn t'urt fur yeh amuusement.

[c4mpb3llcl4r3t.livejournal.com]

Strmpfftpftmph.