What?

[therealpm]

"Milifandom soars with Twitter backing for Labour leader Ed Miliband"

Alastair knows about this twitter thing, though I'm not convinced his smugness, if asked, would be anything other than intolerable. Maybe Fiona?

Comments

[bamfbercow]

I attempted to get an explanation from thetwitterqueen but I couldn't understand half of what she said and the other half was a collection of laughs and giggles. Perhaps you would be better able to understand her attempt at being helpful?

[therealpm]

I'm not convinced that taking Sally's advice on anything related to twitter would be in anyone's best interests.

[bamfbercow]

You might say that, I couldn't possibly comment.

[therealpm]

Given you are currently not an MP and are no longer required to maintain a pretense of impartiality, would you care to comment on the recent Miliband kerfuffle?

[bamfbercow]

No.

[therealpm]

....begone from my sight and do not darken my door again until you're willing to be less obnoxious.

[bamfbercow]

Well I suppose I should be heading back to Buckingham - very important meeting this evening in a local library. Couldn't possibly miss it.

[therealpm]

*Peter looks mildly concerned*

Yes, you probably should try and ensure your re-election. I realise you liked Portillo but if you could try to avoid emulating him in every sense it would be extremely helpful.

*This doesn't have the desired effect, namely that of persuading John to actually go and campaign.*

Well?

[bamfbercow]

Oh I've got a while until the meeting starts and I've been on my feet all day doing the old door-to-door pitch.

Well, most of the day.

Most of the afternoon, if I'm being completely honest.

[therealpm]

...right.

Well. I'm sure you know by now where to find the kettle.

*Peter can't believe this. If John loses his seat someone else will be elected Speaker. Someone who could well be considrably less inclined to look favourably on the presence of The Machine or Peter's tendency to re-interpret House rules to suit his own tastes. It would be awful. Something has to be done and if John's not going to take the initiative to keep his constituency, Peter will simply have to do it for him.*

Is everything alright? You seem a little... relaxed for this point in the election cycle.

*He lets John natter away and uses the sound of the tea things being readied to cover his own rummagings. Eventually he finds the object of his search under a pile of home decoration brochures - his new wand. He hadn't actually used it as such, or even unwrapped it, which meant that the next part of his plan was going to be slightly risky and might possibly involve the sacrifice of a couple of tea cups. Still it was worth a try.

Whilst John's back is turned, Peter activates the fireplace and sets the co-ordinates to John's Buckingham home, then turns back to the erstwhile Speaker. His subsequent wandwork isn't great - he has some previous experience with this spell, but mostly only due to it being used on him rather than actually casting it, so the end result is more a product of hope and willpower rather than actual skill. Still - it manages to flip a rather surprised John upside down and float him from the kitchen and through the fireplace.

Peter pokes his head through the flames, all the better to retreat to safety once Bercow's recovered from his rather swift return to earth and checks that nothing too expensive is broken.*

[bamfbercow]

*John feels himself being lifted off the kitchen tiles.*

What in Merlin's-

*He lets out a yelp as he's turned on his side and floated - rather more speedily than strictly necessary - through Peter's house and the fireplace. John emits another yelp and he's all but dumped on the rug in Buckingham.*

*John splutters from where he has unceremoniously landed.*

When did you learn to do that?

*He looks around at his livingroom.*

And why, for heaven's sake, am I back in Buckingham?

[therealpm]

*Peter tries not to pant too obviously - he's really not as practiced at wand magic as he should be and John's a lot heavier than anyone with any hobbit ancestry has any right to be.*

You... ah

...you gave me some lessons on wand work a while ago.

*He smiles and takes a moment to get his breath back.*

You really only have yourself to blame.

*No fireballs seems to be forthcoming from the other end of the line, which is encouraging.*

If you'd stayed for tea you would only either have ended up explaining some bit of sporting trivia or walking off in a huff and in both cases you would have been late to the hustings. I'm simply assiting you in your electoral campaign - making sure you're not de-railed by a traffic jam or similar.

*As excuses go, it's pretty weak given the fireplace network and Bercow's irritating ability to actually apparate over a decent distance without needing a rune circle, but it's an excuse and it will have to do.*

[bamfbercow]

*John stares at the head in the fireplace.*

Peter, the meeting isn't for over an hour yet! What do you expect me to do here, by myself, for an hour that would be of any benefit to tonight's event?

[therealpm]

Familiarise yourself with your brief.

*John just looks blank and Peter's stomach sinks.*

...your campaign team have prepared a brief for this hustings, haven't they?

*John continues to look blank.*

A file containing anticipated questions, lines of attack from the opposing candidates, the main message you need to get across...

...have they done any of this?

[bamfbercow]

*John continues to stare at Peter.*

My "campaign team" consists of the few members of the local Conservative party who can still stand the sight of me and a group of sixth-form students who aren't even old enough to vote. I'm lucky if they all manage to turn up at the same time for a strategy meeting! Sparring with you for half an hour is far more effective preparation for tonight than sitting with a cluster of spotty 16 year olds!

*John warms to the theme of just how crap his political team is and is soon ranting away.*

[therealpm]

*Peter nearly falls into the grate when he uses one of his hands to cover his eyes in despair rather than holding onto the mantle pillars on his side of the fire. He recovers as gracefully as someone smudged with charcoal can and gets his phone out to contact The Machine. Halfway through the text he decides crouching halfway through a fireplace is neither comfortable nor dignified and crawls through to sit on the hearthrug and finish the message.

John's still ranting by the time Peter gets his reply. It's all the demographic data for the constituency, along with a list of what The Machine has identified as the most and least popular policies for each of the main voting sectors. There's no slogans to push as there hasn't been time for The Machine to simulate an appropriate focus group or twelve, but it'll do.*

John, do be quiet and come over here.

*The screen is really far too small but he's left his ipad back in London and crawling through that fireplace is such a faff.

These are the main sectors you need to target...

*He keeps a beady eye on the clock as he tells John exactly what he needs to do tonight.*

[bamfbercow]

*John doesn't argue with Peter's assessment - despite what Peter thinks, John does know his constituency and the analysis he's seeing matches rather well with what he's seen and heard on the doorsteps. No wonder Labour won landslide after landslide if Peter could get such accurate, targeted information so quickly he thinks to himself. He makes a mental note to talk to Peter about The Machine's capabilities... after the election.*

*The time to leave comes around far sooner than John thought possible. They're still going through sector analysis as John puts his coat on.*

Think you can finish the briefing in the car?

*He pulls on a pair of shoes as he waits for an answer.*

[therealpm]

I suppose so - give me a minute or two first.

*He heads to the bathroom to wash off the soot. Peter really hadn't planned to spend his evening rattling around the backroads of the Tory heartland, but he hasn't really had a chance to do any electioneering this time round and if the Labour party won't have him then he supposes it's not technically treachery to help an ex-Tory (and strictly impartial) Speaker.

He checks his face in the mirror and tries both a notice-me-not charm and glamour. Usually they're amongst his more reliable spells, but this area is so strongly Tory that getting both to stick is more than a little difficult. He's going to need all the help he can get to avoid being recognised.

On his way back he snags one of John's tweedish coats and tosses it at John.*

Lengthen that, would you?

*He removes his own jacket and tie. Suits just stand out here. Next time he'd remember to bring a fleece. Not that there would be a next time. It's one thing to help an ex-Tory in a pinch and quite another to commit to managing their campaign.

By the time they'd reached the car he was already planning leaflets.*