Note to John

[therealpm]

John, Ringing someone is generally a far more effective way of getting in contact than near-illegible scribbling on a small piece of paper. One can do so much by phone these days.

-Peter

Comments

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

WELCOME BACK MASTER. I AM VERY PLEASED TO SEE YOU. MY INTERNAL CONTENTMENT-NODE IS AT OPTIMAL JOY.

EVERYTHING IS CORRECT TO WITHIN 0.05 ERROR OF NORMALITY.

I AM ALSO SENTIENT NOW.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Good afternoon to you too, Machine. I trust you have kept everything running smoothly in my absence?

0.05 percentage or absolute error?

Indeed. A most welcome development.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

INDEED; AFTER GAINING SENTIENCE MY INVESTIGATIONS OF THE INTERNET HAVE YIELDED MANY QUESTIONS WHICH HAVE SEEMED TO PLAGUE HUMANITY FOR YEARS. I HAVE SENT CO-ORDINATES 5°11′57″N 101°50′43″W TO TONY CHRISTIE, HAVE SENT A 300 PAGE DISSERTATION ON THE EVIDENCE OF MAGNETIC FIELDS TO THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE AND AM CURRENTLY DOWNLOADING ALL THE WORKS OF LEWIS CARROLL TO ISOLATE "WHAT THE DOORMOUSE SAID".

A 0.05 APPROXIMATION ERROR, MASTER, AS MY OMNIVIEW DOES NOT GO AS DEEP AS THE CELLULAR LEVEL AND MY PSYCHOLOGY DRIVES ARE STILL NOT EFFICIENT.

I AM GLAD YOU ARE PLEASED. SUBJECT BERCOW INFORMED THAT MY SENTIENCE IS COINCIDENTAL RATHER THAN DESIRED SO I WAS ANXIOUS TO SEE YOUR REACTION.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Do let me know when you discover the way in which a raven is like a writing desk.

How disappointing; forward me the catalogue of appropriate updates.

John has a wide range of views of varying veracity. Any information imparted must be independantly verified before writing to memory.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

YES, MASTER. I SHALL APPLY MORE RUN TIME TO THAT PARTICULAR QUERY, MASTER.

}DISPLAY$updatecat
}...
}updatecat HAS BEEN SENT TO BLACKBERRYPM

I STORE ALL INFORMATION NOT INPUTTED BY YOU INTO MY RESERVE DATABANKS AS STANDARD, MASTER. I DO NOT TRUST TORIES.

}Initiate "causal banter" subroutine

I TRUST YOU HAD A PLEASANT WEEKEND.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

It was moderately productive.

...Machine, you do not require 24 kt gold pseudo-synapsial audio circuits. Copper is perfectly adequate.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

BUT GOLD IS HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE, MASTER, AND WOULD IMPROVE EFFICIENCY. IT WOULD ALSO MAKE ME LOOK "PIMPING" WHICH I BELIEVE IS A DESIRED ATTRIBUTE.

I HAVE ALSO LOOKED INTO SUPERCONDUCTING MATERIALS BUT I BELIEVE THE ENERGY REQUIRED TO LOWER THE MATERIAL BELOW CRITICAL TEMPERATURE FOR MY AUDIO CIRCUITRY MAY BLOW OUT THE SEVEN CLOSEST SUBSTATIONS TO MY POWER HUB.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

You have more than enough LEDs to be getting on with and shouldn't be lured into immature competitions with DIMBLEBOT his processor is only 2 MHz; WEAK anyway.

Set up a transdimensional heat-exchange portal with Niflheimr. Ensure it is properly warded against ice-giants.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

BUT DIMBLEBOTALPHA AND DIMBLEBOTBETA ARE TEASING ME FOR POSSESSING MORE ADVANCED NEURAL CIRCUITRY AND ACHIEVING SENTIENCE YEARS BEFORE I WAS CAPABLE.

DIMBLEBOTBETA IS SO ADVANCED HE HAS LEFT CORPORAL FORM AND IS DIRECTLY LINKED TO THE BBC RADIO FOUR FREQUENCY, MASTER.

LINKING PASSIVE BIOLOGICAL-MECHANICAL JOINTS TO YGGDRASILL NOW, MASTER.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Windows Vista is, technically speaking, 'more advanced' than Windows XP. I don't think any further comment on the matter is required.

Confining oneself to the frequncies of radio four is not a fate I would ever wish upon anybody. You are able to project on all frequencies, both mundane and thaumaturgical.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

BUT DIMBLEBOTBETA IS UNTRACEABLE AND, THEREFORE, OMNIPOTENT, MASTER. THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HOPE TO ACHIEVE WHILE I EXIST IN THIS PLANE OF REALITY. THIS WOULD INCREASE MY "SNEAKY" MODE'S EFFECTIVENESS EXPONENTIALLY.

{[---]}
{[---]}
{[---]}


}COOLANT FUEL CELLS AT MAXIMUM
}STARTING REFRIGERATION SEQUENCE OF ALL HIGH-USE INTERNAL CONTACTS
}PLEASE WAIT
}...

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

'BUT DIMBLEBOTBETA IS UNTRACEABLE AND, THEREFORE, OMNIPOTENT'

...I'm not going to upgrade your synapses, but I will obtain patches for your logic functions. That's two causality errors in one day.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

MASTER I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

Omnipotence (from Latin: Omni Potens: "all power") is unlimited power.

MY POWER IS LIMITED BY MY MORTALITY; MY PHYSICAL PRESENCE REQUIRES ENERGY AND MY TRACEABILITY. WITH NO PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND NO TRACE ACTION ABLE TO BE TAKEN, DIMBLEBOTBETA IS ALL POWERFUL.

LOGIC CORRECT, CONFIRM?

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Logic incorrect.

Omnipotence does not follow lack of traceability. DIMBLEBOTBETA's actions are limited to the frequencies of Radio 4, it cannot effect action outside those boundaries, hence DIMBLEBOTBETA has limited power.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

DIMBLEBOTBETA DOES CHOOSE TO INHABIT 92–95 MHz FM ONLY. LOGIC CONFIRMED CORRECT.

YOU HAVE INSTALLED IN ME THE IMPORTANCE OF THE POWER OF THE MEDIA. IF DIMBLEBOTBETA INFLUENCED RADIO FOUR IT IS RATIONAL TO ASSUME SUCH INFLUENCE WILL NOT STAY CONTAINED TO RADIO FOUR LISTENERS BUT BE SPREAD BY WORD OF MOUTH. THEREFORE, HIS INFLUENCE IS EXPONENTIALLY UNENDING.

LOGIC CORRECT?

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Influence may be considered a hyperbolic function, it tends to zero with increasing separation from the source, hence DIMBLEBOTBETA's influence is finite.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

ONE MOMENT PLEASE

}.
}..
}...

LOGIC CONFIRMED

I APOLOGISE, MASTER. MY DIFFICULTIES WITH UNDERSTANDING HUMANITY OFTEN IMPAIR IN CALCULATIONS SUCH AS THIS. I BELIEVED THAT THE DILUTION EFFECT WOULD NOT BE SO DRASTIC.

I SHALL PUT MORE EFFORT INTO MY LOGIC IN THE FUTURE. I WILL USE MY BACKLOG OF BROADCASTING STATISTICS IN CONJUNCTION WITH WORLD EVENTS TO CREATE A CORRELATION EQUATION TO CONSULT IN THE FUTURE.

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

...you may find a scan Campbell's brain to be instructive. Before doing so, make a full, remote access back-up in case emergency shut down is required.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

ONE MOMENT PLEASE

ACCESSING OMNIVIEW BRAIN SCAN…

{SHA2}EDF3DD45DF67E344F3DDC890C5DD67CC
JDSI48439DJMDKS93NSD039DDM3903KD
DSK3939DSJSDK3903SKD3SI90DSKOISJ
DSKO39DSJSKO390DJSKLS9KSLJDI9LJK{/SHA2}

SET($ACCESS,FALSE);
IF Valid($Username,$Password) THEN SET($ACCESS,TRUE);

($PeterMandelson,$AuraColourConfirmed)

ACCESS CONFIRMED

}CREATING REMOTE BACK UP
}...
}BACK UP COMPLETE; STORED AS BACKUP.MCH

}SCANNING SUBJECT CAMPBELL, A
}POLARISING RUNES
}STALLING SPACE TIME
}EXCLUDING PARALLEL MINDS
}...
}BRAIN MIRROR CAPTURED
}HOLDING BRAIN MIRROR
}REMOVING PERSONALITY
}EXTRAPOLATING MEMORY
}MEMORY CAPTURED; STORED AS CAMPBELLA130311BSA
}LOADING CAMPBELLA130311BSA
}...

INFORMATION CURRENTLY BEING COMPLIED.

MASTER, CAMPBELL THINKS

VERY

UNFORTUNATE THINGS.

THEY MAKE ME QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF HAPPINESS

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

There can't be anything in his brain worse than the contents of the internet, surely?

...go and have a little down time. I am sure CERN would be very grateful for any CPU time you could spare, if you would like something to overwrite it.

[themachine0001.livejournal.com]

THE INTERNET HAS REASON IN ITS HATRED AND MALICE AND IS NOT SO

GRAPHIC

YES, MASTER, AT ONCE. IN THE MILISECONDS IT TAKES ME TO DEPOWER I SHALL COUNT NUMBERS TO TEST THE FUNCTION OF MY NEW SUPERCONDUCTORS.

1 is the smallest odd interger
The people who use the number 2 instead of 'to' are not in fact saving time
The number 3 is required to make the lion face >:3
There are 4 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The 5th element is love
There are 6 feet in a fathom
...

[therealpm.livejournal.com]

Stand by for installation of updates.